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Jenn Savedge

New moms and gender disappointment

Is it OK to be disappointed about the gender of the baby you are carrying?

Wed, Nov 02 2011 at 12:00 PM EST
 6

Mom and son Photo: sebadanon/sxc.hu
Dear Chrissy wrote a fascinating post on Babble's being pregnant blog entitled Gender Disappointment - No One Wants A Boy? about how some new moms become so disappointed when they find out via ultrasound that they are having a boy that they continue hoping and praying for a little girl.
 
Chrissy expressed my feelings on this topic best when she said, "I’m sure we all have some idea about what we would like to have with each pregnancy, but I still just can’t wrap my head around how so many women seem to feel absolutely crushed at the thought of having a boy, to the point of having feelings that they may no longer want to keep the baby, or even that they may reject the baby when he is born."
 
This post brought up an interesting memory for me that I thought was relevant to share.
 
Growing up, I was more of a tomboy — out playing in the woods, making mud pies, playing ball with my brother's friends, than a "girly-girl." I never played with baby dolls, I never planned my dream wedding with my Ken doll, and I never thought about becoming a mommy. In fact, it wasn't until after my husband and I were married for six years that I even began to consider the idea. And when I did envision myself as a mommy at that time, it was always with a little boy. I don't think I ever fully crystallized the idea into words, but I just saw myself as a little boy's mom.  
 
Once we started trying, I got pregnant quickly and I was soon swept away in the world of a soon-to-be mom. My husband and I decided not to find out the sex of the baby and be surprised on the big day. Still, all throughout my pregnancy, I have to admit that I was hoping the little peanut growing inside my belly was carrying a Y chromosome — right up until the last week.
 
I don't know what flip was switched or what hormones started to surge, but I clearly remember that in the last week of my pregnancy, I did a 180 and I wanted ... needed ... craved a little girl. It was then that I became disappointed, because after so many months of envisioning a little boy, I felt certain that I had actually wished one into my body. But I suddenly wanted a little girl more fiercely than I could have ever imagined.
 
One week later, at 5:36 in the morning, my daughter was born. And the first thing that I did when I saw her was to shout, "IT'S A GIRL!" in the delivery room. I couldn't have been happier. And even one month before I could not have imagined this intense happiness over having a little girl.
 
Would I have been happy if that baby had been a boy? I know that I would have. I would have chalked up that final week to surging hormones and kissed my baby boy's head just as tenderly, and with just as much love. But I can't help but think that even though my brain thought for almost a full nine months that it wanted a boy, my heart took over in the end and filled me up with love for the baby girl that I was carrying.  
 
Will the same thing happen to the women in Dear Chrissy's post who feel convinced that they want a little girl? Will they wake up on delivery day wanting a baby boy more fiercely than they could ever imagine? I certainly hope so.
 
Is it OK for new moms to feel a twinge of disappointment when they find out that the sex of the baby they are carrying doesn't quite jive with what they had envisioned? I think so — because I think in the end, once a baby is born, it brings with it a surge of love that can wipe away any preconceived notions and leave behind only love for the baby in your arms.  
 
Did you experience gender disappointment or have a gender preference when you were pregnant? I'd love to hear your story!
 
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anonymous
mds 11/26/2011 18:45 PM

After the loss of two pregnancies and at the age of 43 I was beyond thrilled to have a healthy baby boy who is now six years old. All my husband and I cared about was that the baby be healthy. What would have been devastating to us was having no children.

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anonymous
Its not Gender its sex 11/06/2011 04:25 AM

There are 7 genders and two sexes. Gender is the psychological not the biological.

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anonymous
LQ 11/08/2011 11:22 AM

I agree with your statement that gender is not biological and that there are many types of gender.

However, thinkers like Anne Fausto-Sterling have argued that there are many more than just two sexes, perhaps as many as five or seven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Fausto-Sterling.

And I also prefer not to limit gender presentation to just seven. A sliding scale may be more

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anonymous
LQ 11/05/2011 17:25 PM

Although I cannot relate to the feelings above, I'd like to bring writer's, reader's, and MNN's attention to the terms "sex" and "gender."

Here, they are used interchangeably, but they are actually quite different terms. Sex refers to biological assignment, while gender refers to a complex socially and culturally constructed set of roles, behaviors, etc.

Disappointment regarding the sex of your child would be finding out if it was male or female.

Disappointment regarding.... More

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erin.p.fielding
erin.p.fielding 11/02/2011 13:25 PM

This time around, I wanted another little girl sooooooooo badly and I would actually cry when I thought about having a boy instead. Then we found out we were having a boy and it's like something just flipped in my emotions. Now I can't imagine having a girl and I am ecstatic we are having a boy instead.

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jsavedge
jsavedge 11/06/2011 08:29 AM

I'm so glad to hear it, erin. It's funny how that works, isn't it? Congratulations and hope all goes well with your new baby boy!!

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