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Read: 'Bringing Up Bébé'
Forget tiger mothers. In her new child-rearing memoir, Pamela Druckerman argues that it's French parents we should be emulating.
Tue, Feb 07 2012 at 10:30 AM
 13
French baby

Photo: Julien Haler/Flickr

Last year, it was Amy Chua's defense of so-called "Chinese parenting" in her book "Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother" that had parents on both sides of the playground debating the right way to raise kids. This year, the debate rages on, but the country du jour to emulate is now France as former Wall Street Journal reporter Pamela Druckerman argues that it's French parents who've got it figured out in her new memoir, "Bringing Up Bébé."
 
As an American in Paris, Druckerman was raising three children and struggling with the same parenting woes that affect many of her American peers when she began to notice a series of what she called "minor miracle[s]." Parents who did not have to rush off of the phone to attend to their child's demands. Children sitting calmly in restaurant high chairs while taking part in family conversation and eating the same foods as the rest of the family. And perhaps most shockingly of all, babies who were sleeping through the night at just 2 or 3 months old.
 
She asked herself what these French parents were doing so differently that their parenting yielded such amazing (and enviable) results. Druckerman notes in "Bringing Up Bébé":
 
"I hadn’t thought I was supposed to admire French parenting. It isn’t a thing, like French fashion or French cheese. No one visits Paris to soak up the local views on parental authority and guilt management. Quite the contrary: the American mothers I know in Paris are horrified that French mothers barely breast-feed, and let their four-year-olds walk around with pacifiers.
 
"So how come they never point out that so many French babies start sleeping through the night at two or three months old? And why don’t they mention that French kids don’t require constant attention from adults, and that they seem capable of hearing the word “no” without collapsing?"
 
What followed was years of research during which Druckerman investigated the basics of French parenting and boiled it down to a few essential differences. For starters, Druckerman noted that "having a child in France doesn’t require choosing a parenting philosophy. Everyone takes the basic rules for granted. That fact alone makes the mood less anxious." Another key difference?  Kids in France are expected to adapt to the grown-up world and not the other way around.
 
Druckerman is quick to point out that most of the French parents she interviewed were affectionate parents who adored their kids. But they weren't obsessed with them as American parents seem to be. The don't lose themselves in their kids the way American parents seem to do. They do not negotiate, alter their vacation plans, tolerate tantrums, carry around a week's worth of snacks, or spend entire weekends herding their kids from one scheduled activity to the next. They enjoy time with their children but set definite boundaries to enjoy time with their spouses and other adults.  
 
And both the parents and the children in France seem to be happier because of it.
 
"The French have managed to be involved without becoming obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children, and that there’s no need to feel guilty about this. "
 
No guilt? Maybe she's on to something.  
 
"Bringing Up Bébé" by Pamela Druckerman (Penguin Press, 2012) hit bookstores today. Pick up a copy and let me know what you think.
 
 
Also on MNN: Why gay parents may do a better job
 

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Comments: 13
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anonymous
mary Jun 01 2012 at 1:31 AM
I just finished Chapter 7 of the book and I crave discussion! I am a mother of two in my late 30s, an immigrant American, married to a French. This book hits home and actually clarifies many things I have known and felt about France and the French for a very long time, though I could never really explain! As someone who has tried to live in France three times (Bretagne, Lyon and Paris) and has hated in three times, I can say that she is very accurate in the way she explains all the details. Yet,
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my problem is that she is doing so by glorifying the French way through out the book, even though she starts the book by saying she does not want her child to be like the stuck up French! Well, my answer to that is that if you do not like the end result, how could you possibly glorify the method? I feel like France and the French (whether its the cuisine, scenery, accent, you name it) is over glorified in world. Though France and the French have many good things, I really don't see them as the most balanced and happiest or even most successful people in the world. As a matter of fact, having traveled a bit around the world and having known many people of different cultures, the French come across as one the most obnoxious, psychologically complex and unhappy people in the modern world. If anyone is up to it, I'd like to get into more a detailed discussion....
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anonymous
marianik le gal Feb 12 2012 at 9:59 AM

The world dreads the whiney Americans and their whiney spoiled children.......everywhere!!......not just a "french" thing.......all European children are raised that way.....i know.....i was one of them.............in the usa kids are the center of attention....in France, the couple is the center of attention........

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anonymous
Catherine Feb 10 2012 at 9:19 PM
I'm an American born mom of 2 boys. My parents were of Greek descent and I don't think that either of these two things have anything to do with my parenting. I think it's just common sense. I DO live for my children, (boys ~ ages 2 and 4) and they should feel like children, in a child's world. I play with them, listen to them, adhere to their needs before my own. That is how I model proper behavior, teach them to play kindly and fairly, to feel valued, and have a place. My children follow rules,
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respect things, have a voice that is heard and respected so they know what it means to listen and respect, they are kind, and well-mannered. They eat at the table, with my china, whatever I prepare - because eating is their JOB. It is the way they take care of their bodies and provide for their future. They have many experiences that are their own and know the word NO means NO because there are clear boundaries and no negotiating. We have a warm and loving family unit that exists together, with and for one another, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the French but I don't need them to help me parent. My children show me that I'm doing just fine on my own!
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anonymous
MDL7 Feb 10 2012 at 12:50 PM

That is not completely the 'French Way' that is more the Parisienne way. Of course the parents will not have to worry about spending the weekends shuttling kids around to extracurricular activities - the kids are involved directly with the active schools and churches. No, they don't obsess over their kids - they are instead shy of neglecting them. Regarding the behavior in restaurants - that could be the side effect of a little wine.

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anonymous
ange8 Feb 10 2012 at 12:26 PM
i really don't like when there are generalizations made about any country or culture. i am an american mom, raised by an american mom, and i can tell you my brother and i were not the end all be all of her life and neither is my daughter of my life. not to say i don't cherish her but she's six and not going to dictate my life. a lot of what was stated in this article is common sense. maybe if more parents thought about using more of it we wouldn't get this bad rap. i think there can be a lack
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of common sense anywhere, in USA or France
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anonymous
Victoria Feb 10 2012 at 12:10 PM

This is not exclusive only to the French; many European countries raise their children the same way. Greeks, Turks, Italians. Children are incorporated into their parents' lives and not the other way around. Being raised by a Greek mother, I totally can relate to this and believe Americans should adopt this way of child rearing for a happier child, happier parents, and a happier marriage.

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anonymous
C. P. Feb 10 2012 at 11:39 AM
YES! THIS is the way to parent children without a doubt. I do a lot of travel and work in Europe and I am AMAZED at the difference. I fly around Europe and don't dread flying with babies over there. I eat in restaurants and never ONCE have I heard a baby tantrum. Like the article said, the Euro model works. Children are a PART of their lives, not THE END ALL of their parents life. Kind of like having a pet. It's around and it's expected to behave and it's loved. EASY! They don't carry around suitcases
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with tons of crap in it to take care of every possible whim of the kid. If a child misbehaves, they do say NO, and don't have to psycho analyze or consult or explain their answer to the kid. The kid just excepts it as a NO and goes on. The US is a horrifying place to watch a child being raised. No wonder all kids here are pretty much worthless on their own as adults. Americans think parents that the all mighty baby has to be #1, well that isn't working. The kid is a part of the French family life but no the beginning and the end. Excellent article. Now get out of my way, I'm packing for my next trip to Europe and I don't mind if there is a Euro baby on board, god help us if there is an american kid on board, you'll know before you enter the airport.
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anonymous
Brit Mom Feb 10 2012 at 11:08 AM
This is just a "French" style but a Euro style. Brought up by a British mum, I was expected to adapt to the world around me and I have done the same to my kids. All my kids slept through the night by 2 months and we say no to all of them without tantrums. Granted we say "What would Mick Jagger say..."You can't always get what you want". We nurtured our babies, gave them realistic expectations, and now we are lucky to have polite, mature teenagers. Americans try to make rocket science out of
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the most natural thing in the world...having kids.
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anonymous
Guest Feb 10 2012 at 2:20 PM

The British style of parenting overall has become more Americanised though, and thus the problems...! And then you have the flipside of kids growing up "too soon".

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anonymous
to much Feb 09 2012 at 4:22 PM

no one in France is wearing berets as she does (except maybe old men in deep France). She's like playing the French.

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anonymous
Rosy Fernandez Feb 09 2012 at 8:51 AM

Today I told the entire class - Year 1, to take a little bit of everything served for lunch break in school and I observed they are beginning to 'taste' food served in the canteen.

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tarrant's picture
Tarrant Feb 09 2012 at 9:23 AM

That's great.

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anonymous
Rosy Fernandez Feb 08 2012 at 8:33 AM

Today i tried one of her eating tips....instead of eat your ... on the plate becos its good for your bone, health etc, SAY TASTE the chicken, fish and vegetable. It worked on one of boys during lunch...hehehe

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