Stuff Environmentalists Like

The first installment in your beginner's guide to befriending and exploiting green people.
Read more: GO GREEN

Illustration by Leif Parsons
Choosing one’s friends is a very weighty endeavor that can yield significant benefits. Some people aim to befriend celebrities because of the exclusive par­ties and the possibility of landing on Perez Hilton’s blog. Other people aim for politicians because of the con­nections and first dibs on bumper stickers. Still others aim for musicians because it provides a more legiti­mate excuse to wear tight jeans and not wash your hair. Recently, a new subset of desirable targets has come on the market: environmentalists.
 
Traditionally, environmentalists have not been in very high demand as friends. This is in part because they have developed a reputation for being long-winded and angry about the state of things, because they want you to replace all of your belongings with green ones, and because until now, they have been largely inaccessible, living in communal farms in Vermont and in the world’s biggest hippie compound — commonly re­ferred to as the Pacific Northwest. They can seem like a very difficult group to infiltrate and eventually exploit.
 
Do not let this deter you from entering into what can be a financially and emotionally beneficial alliance. Understanding and talking about the things that environmentalists care about most will be your golden ticket to free lightbulbs, handmade soap and many other perks. In the coming week's I'll be providing a step-by-step guide to befriending environmentalists. 
 

Step One: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner

If an environmentalist invites you over for dinner, do not assume that your host’s primary purpose is to serve you a meal. The goal is education.
 
You cannot assume your host is vegan or vegetarian either. Doing so could lead to a number of social faux pas that are on par with or worse than calling her a Republican. While many environmentalists are vegan or vegetarian, others can talk for hours about how it is possible to eat meat and still be green. Their requirement of course is that the animal is raised on a small farm and allowed to run around and eat grass. If you are hoping to impress a host in the latter camp, tell a story about how you are raising a few chickens in your backyard. For extra points, use the following terms: free-range, factory farm and antibiotics.
 
If conversation starts to lull, it’s always a good idea to bring up a paradox that engages the entire table. The most pressing question of our generation is: local or organic? This subject is sure to create a lively distraction while you grab whatever delicious food remains, leaving only the tempeh and brown rice for the other guests.
 
Once the meal is over, it’s always good manners to insist on doing the dishes. But do not worry about actually having to do them. Simply walk into the kitchen, put the dishes in the sink, turn on the hot water, return to the host, and say, “I’m just waiting for the water to heat up.” They will bolt into the kitchen and shut off the faucet to prevent wasting both water and energy. Feign ignorance. They will finish the job and try to offset the awkwardness of the situation by giving you the leftover local, organic peach cobbler to take home. Environmentalists like to offset things.
 

More reading from the Guide:

Part 1: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner

Part 2: Brainwashing children

Part 3: Being depressed by statistics

Part 4: Knowing which ingredients in your shampoo will kill you

Part 5: Never throwing stuff away

 
Story by Christian Lander. This article originally appeared in "Plenty" in November 2008.
 
Copyright Environ Press 2008
 
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Comments(12)

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rightauk@sisqtel.net

They sit in front of their TVs like mindless zombies watching their stupid CAPTIAN PLANET marathons on EARTHDAY



Bent out of shape

For those who don't know this, the article was written by the very funny guy who does the "Stuff White People Like" blog...so this article is actually meant to poke fun. Seeing how upset everybody here seems to be, I would like to suggest that the next "Stuff white people like" entry should be "Spending tons of time commenting on blog posts and getting totally bent out of shape in the process".



No Offense

S.W.P.L.com already has a section lamenting white 'Offence'. It's under the heading '#101 Being Offended'. Perhaps for book 2 (oh yes he missed some stuff) Mr. Lander could include a segment on 'Not Getting the Joke'.....As a proud white person or Wrong Kind of White Person, I love that someone is finally taking the piss out of White culture in a humorous and clever way. I've never had so much fun laughing at myself.....Keep it up.



LoLz

This is so funny. Environmentalists all deserve to be killed. I say, we round them all up and set fire to them using a huge aerosol blowtorch. That would really show them! While we're at it, lets make lots of babies. Don't even think about what their lives will be like as they age, just make the babies, and ignore the fact the water tables are decreasing, acidity levels in the oceans are rising, and anyone who tries to use sustainable methods to grow their food gets overrun by corporate.... More



Insanely Stupid

It is ignoramuses like you who will eventually lead this world into a state of decline!!! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert… Whilst I do see the humour in befriending “greenies” to take advantage of free soap and garden produce, the menacing threat of ignorant chardonnay swilling swine and their bourgeoisie attitudes in the face of climate change and global warming and all that they will bring to humanity is to say the least very poor form!.... More



Really?

If you think this is offensive, you obviously have no sense of humour or are a moron.

Either way you shouldn't be reading it.



Stuff Environmentalists Like

The whole premise is insulting from line 1. "Choosing one's friends is a weighty endeavor that can yield significant benefits"?? ie. using people? real estate agents Not that I actually believe someone would befriend an environmentalist to take his light bulbs.



Lightbulbs?

I would. Those things are 'spensive....And now that some enviro-nazi bureaucrat made them mandatory, I think I'll befriend several environmentalists in case one dies and I can't get my light bulbs anymore...Lighten Up!!!!!!!



hahahah

hahahahaha or we could accept that were animals and were supposed to run our course and not worry about the earth. the earth is for our sustenance and when we place too much of a load on it, our population will be reduced or eliminated and the next species will take our place. environmentalists are idiots



ever

The most irresponsible comment i've ever read



most

and by irresponsible i am reffering the 'hahahahahah' comment below



A more Protestant approach?

When I was a kid, I once asked Mom why Presbyterians don't evangelize. She said, "We do. Through action." I'm no longer a Presbyterian by any means (as Mr. Lander expressed once, paraphrased, White People Like Religions to which their Parents do not Belong, right?), but I feel that there is something to be gained by activism through action.

Maybe it's one thing to wax eloquent on the deteriorating condition of the world. It produces converts and money that can be well-spent making a.... More

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