Step Two: Brainwashing children

Since the human population is most responsible for the destruction of the planet, you might be wondering if it is appropriate to suggest that an environmentalist commit suicide as a gift to the earth. The answer is no, mostly because environmentalists have so much work to do before they die and are eventually composted.

But while they are on earth, one of the environmentalists’ top priorities is to raise a child in the most eco-friendly fashion possible. This process begins with natural childbirth and quickly moves to a restricted diet entirely free of processed sugar, bleached flour and all other food items typically enjoyed by children. The ultimate plan is to force kids to acquire a taste for organic broccoli, whole grains and tofu before their young minds can yearn for a Happy Meal.

This is important to know in the event that you are asked to supervise an environmentalist’s child. More than likely there will be a list — a very long list — of things the child cannot do, so it is essential to do everything in your power to avoid getting involved. If for some reason you do get stuck babysitting, you should feed the child Snickers bars and soda. This is also an excellent strategy for quickly exiting a friendship with any environmentalist who can no longer benefit you in any way.

Continue reading the guide:

Part 1: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner

Part 2: Brainwashing children

Part 3: Being depressed by statistics

Part 4: Knowing which ingredients in your shampoo will kill you

Part 5: Never throwing stuff away


Story by Christian Lander. This article originally appeared in "Plenty" in November 2008.

Copyright Environ Press 2008