Step Five: Never throwing stuff away

Environmentalists are passionate about bicycling, public transportation, and walking — none of which ever add up to a free ride to the airport. One of the few types of automobiles accepted by environmentalists is a Volvo or Mercedes converted to run on vegetable oil. These are considered valid options because they run on the waste of nonenvironmentalists and they reuse older cars. Environmentalists will go to great lengths to reuse things, even things they didn’t like the first time around. 

While this emphasis on reuse will ultimately benefit the earth, you should not overlook the many ways in which it can benefit you! When you are in the home of an environmentalist and see something you covet, start dropping hints. Keep saying, “I suppose I’ll pick one up — I just hate to buy new and use all those resources.” If this does not work, you probably aren’t dealing with a real environmentalist.

Please note: This tactic will not work if the object in question is a Prius. Procuring an environmentalist’s Prius is an advanced procedure that is too complicated and delicate to divulge on these pages.

Continue reading the guide:

Part 1: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner

Part 2: Brainwashing children

Part 3: Being depressed by statistics

Part 4: Knowing which ingredients in your shampoo will kill you

Part 5: Never throwing stuff away

Story by Christian Lander. This article originally appeared in "Plenty" in November 2008.

Copyright Environ Press 2008