Chalk it up to the difference between romantic comedies and real life: A new survey of American singles finds that men want babies and commitment, while women are more likely to want independence in their relationships.
Significant chunks of singles hold with relatively modern ideas about gender roles. When asked whether women should be the primary caregiver for children, 49 percent of women said no, as did 38 percent of men.
"Women are much more eager to have their own personal space, they're more eager to have their own bank account, they're more eager to have nights out with girls than men are with boys' nights out, and they're more eager to go on vacation without their partner than men are," Fisher said.
The new singlehood
The survey also found that being single isn't what it used to be. Among single people between the ages of 21 and 34, 62 percent of both men and women want to get married, while 9 percent don't want to marry and 29 percent aren't sure. The findings echo earlier national surveys that reveal ambivalence toward marriage.
That's a huge change from the 1950s and 1960s, said Stephanie Coontz, a social historian at The Evergreen State College in Washington and author of "A Strange Stirring: The Feminine Mystique and American Women at the Dawn of the 1960s" (Basic Books, January 2011).
"This was a period in which the average woman married by 20, and if she wasn't married by 24, she was unlikely to be married," Coontz, who was involved in the survey analysis, told LiveScience. "People who remained single after 25 were considered deviant, neurotic or sexually maladjusted."
Today, Coontz said, the stigma of singlehood is lessened and marriage and re-marriage is much easier for older people. As a result, she said, people still want to get married, but don't feel as much urgency about it.
"When Betty Friedan wrote her book in 1963 [The Feminine Mystique, a touchstone of the feminist movement], she predicted that marriages would be better, and male-female relationships, even if they didn’t marry, would be better when women had more access to work life and men were more able to share in family life," Coontz said. "I do think you're seeing that in the poll."
The sexual double standard, in which women who had premarital sex weren't considered relationship material, has also eroded, Coontz said. The survey found that 77 percent of single people approve of premarital sex. About 40 percent approve of both casual hook-ups and friends with benefits, while 29 percent are fine with one-night stands. Just over half (54 percent) of singles had had a one-night stand, and 35 percent said they'd had a one-night stand that led to a relationship.
One-night stands aren't the only relationships that can blossom into something more. Among both men and women, 35 percent said they'd fallen in love with someone they weren't initially attracted to.
What people are looking for in love has also shifted, Fisher said. Prejudice is waning, with only 20 percent of men and 29 percent of women saying that finding someone of their own ethnic background was a must or very important. Similarly, only 17 percent of men and 28 percent of women think finding someone of their own religious background is important. (In comparison, 69 percent of single people said fidelity is a must in a relationship.)
The survey organizers are now working to redo the study to capture longitudinal data about singles' attitudes over time, Fisher said.
"We are redefining love relationships," Fisher said, adding, "It's going to be very interesting to watch the trends change."