Around this particularly high-anxiety time of year, you’ll likely feel the urge to escape. The urge to slip away, even if just for an hour or so, to a secret place where no one (read: holiday houseguests from out of town) can possibly find you. A place that’s hidden away and impenetrable; a place that’s safe and secure; a place that not even your mother-in-law, with her judging eyes and bloodhound nose, can sniff out.
Well, if you happen to have $17.5 million handy and are game to relocate to the wiregrass region of rural south-central Georgia, then it’s your lucky day as a distinctive property that’s quite the hideaway has just hit the market.
Constructed in 1969 and “fully renovated to government standards” in 2012, the Tift County spread in question is a 12-bedroom, 12-bathroom McMansion … with no windows. And no proper front door. That’s buried 45 feet underground. A nuclear bunker, basically.
Sure, it's no tiny house hidden inside of a faux-boulder, but it'll do.
Very much mother-in-law — and zombie — proof, this spacious Cold War era pied-à-terre also known as “The Facility” features some unique selling points: decontamination showers, 3-foot thick concrete walls, state-of-the-art fresh air intake system, medical room, $100,000 CCTV security system and “spring system throughout building to absorb blast.” A 20 kiloton nuclear blast, that is.
All typical features that most young homebuyers are on the lookout for, right?
And let’s not forget the spacious commercial kitchen where there’s ample room to store buckets upon buckets of Jim Bakker’s scrumptious creamy stroganoff. Sounds like a party.
Speaking of parties, The Facility is perfect for throwing them (ain't no party like a Rapture party!) given that the bi-level luxe-bunker resembles more of a dormitory than a proper abode. The aforementioned bedrooms and bathrooms are divvied up amongst four self-contained "executive apartments," each about 600 square feet, with shared communal spaces including a library, 15-seat screening room, conference room, gym and rec room.
And in the off chance you’re able to convince live-in hired help to take up residence with you, the bunker also includes staff quarters.
While this sounds like a wonderland for the ultra-rich survivalists (maybe it’s not quite as bad if you split the cost with a dozen or so of your just-as-paranoid pals), it’s a true shame about the décor, which appears to have all the humdrum charm of the lobby of a Fairfield Inn. Think marble countertops, brown leather couches, stainless steel appliances and tastefully bland wall décor. An ashtray. They could have at least gone for a few period touches. Maybe shag carpeting and a heart-shaped Jacuzzi or two?
Located on a 32-acre parcel at an undisclosed address, aboveground features include a firing range and a caretaker's cottage. I do wonder how the local schools are.
The property, described as the “only fully renovated hardened and privately owned underground bunker of its kind in the United States today,” is being listed with an agent at Harry Norman Realtors named Sister Hood who is certainly not a nun … but maybe a prepper. It always helps when spending over $17 million on an underground fortress if the listing agent is wearing camo and brandishing a very large gun in one of her profile photos.